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Monday, June 25, 2007
..lalalallaa

assalamualaikum wbt

lalalala....what i want to wrote is totally nothing...just merapu2...i should do my essay...but i dun want...tired maybe..oke..sambung study...babai..


Posted at 02:39 am by wickedchilli
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Monday, May 21, 2007
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

oke...tadi stress giler....giler giler nye stress...now nak solat...ngadap Allah swt yang Maha Esa....nak solat kusyuk2...nak minta kat Dia utk sembuhkan kami....tapi bila dah sembuh pasti byk tanggungjawab menanti.....

utk dia....hehehe....sayang mestila sayang.....sayang tapi takleh dekat....dahla kene marah..sian dia...dpt kawan camni pun takleh nak fhm...org dah sakit...kasik la dia rest.....ag mau kasik pening2....

oke....nak g solat.....pastu nak stat study....


Posted at 01:35 pm by wickedchilli
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Thursday, May 17, 2007
goldcoast vs house

assalamualaikum wbt

i dun want to be like a goldcoast...i want to be like a house..

goldcoast is exciting, interesting, everything is enjoyable...spend all your money there for enjoyment...u cant wait to go there....even the idea already make us excited...we are free to do anything...forget all the schoolwork...all the other work...all the problem...that is goldcoast...place to explore...place to dream...

house is where we have our need, where there is ups and down...where u feel sometimes secure sometimes bored...sometimes happy sometimes down...sometimes u dun want to go out...sometimes u dun want to return...sometimes u need place to peace ur mind outside the house...but no matter how good or bad a house could be...u still will return to the same house...where u have all ur belonging..where u have all ur privacy...where u have all ur security....where u feel comfortable to be...the house can be is a real mess but u responsible to fix it up....the house can be very clean and tidy and u contribute to the breathtaking view....

i dun want to be like a goldcoast where people come and go...where people come to feel happy and leave all the burden there...and go...where people are really excited and enjoy themselves but sometimes will never come back....because they will find perhaps disneyland in states more enjoyable..

i want to be like a house...no matter how bad it is...people stay....no matter how good it is..people stay...a big house or a small house..people stay....people stay with ups and down...people dun have to feel good about the house...but just stay....because the house is secure...it wont go away no matter how the people mess up with it...it still there....just dun start the fire...and it will not burn into ashes....i want to be a house...u dun need to smile all the time...u dun need to be happy all the time...u dun need to decorate the house...u can have a bad hair day but the house wont go away...u dun need to be here all the time...but just return every now and then...ur belonging is here...ur responsible is here...we are the one who responsible to decorate the house...to make it bettter place...or to make it a nightmare...but still we can change it...and improve it....


Posted at 11:07 am by wickedchilli
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Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Dia, aku dan dia...

assalamualaikum wbt...

aku tatau berapa lama aku mampu bertahan...duduk di persimpangan...antara Dia dan dia....aku tidak memilih dia...lebih dari diriNya....takkan kuturutkan kehendak nafsuku...tetapi dalam masa yang sama...aku masih keliru akan kehendakNya...jalan yang mana harus kupilih untuk menujuNya..

aku pernah sakit...dan aku tak mahu sakit kembali...tapi kini aku tertanya..benarkah aku sakit sebenarnya..?atau kah aku sakit pada pandangan mata manusia...sedangkan untukNya aku tidak...

apakah jalan baru yang kupilih ini....jalan yg pura2..?jalan yg kusangkan jalan bahagia tapi hakikatnya penuh dengan kegelisahan...tanda tanya...kerisauan...ampuniku...

bila baca balik artikel2 atau buku2 agama....pengalaman2 dan perasaan hamba2 Allah swt yang mencari redhaNya....aku pernah di tempat itu...aku pernah mengalami perasaan itu...aku pernah bersedia utk pengorbanan itu...aku pernah diuji sehebat itu dlm kemampuan diri sendiri...aku pernah......tetapi kini aku lari...aku lupakan semuanya...kerana aku tak mampu nak tanggung beban sakit itu...aku tak mampu utk hidup dalam kesedihan, kerisauan, ketakutan....dibanjiri air mata setiap hari....aku tak cukup kuat utk itu....apakah realiti hidup..?

aku juga pernah bahagia....bahagia seakan2 berada di syurga dunia....bahagia mengenal Yang Esa.....bila aku terfikir kembali...sering aku menyalahkan pakcik yang membawa aku....sampai hati dia meninggalkan kami....di kala kami masih memerlukan....sampai hati dia meninggalkan kami...sedangkan anak2 ini masih bertatih....futurkah kami..?bagaimana utk tidak futur sedangkan ilmu pun tidak seberapa....bagaimana utk tidak futur...sedangkan guru telah tiada....

kau serahkan kami...kau tawakkal kami kepada Dia....tapi sunatullahNya kami masih memerlukan....sekurang2nya aku masih memerlukan....jalan yang aku susuli sendiri....mana mungkin akan betul tanpa pedoman...pasti banyak syaitan yg hadir...utk membantu menunjuk jalan kecelakaan....

Ya Allah...Kau tunjukkanlah kami jalan....Kau Yang Maha Pencipta....Kau yang tahu ape yang kami perlukan....Kau yang tahu segala2nya.....Kau yang tahu limitation kami...Kau yang tahu kelemahan kami....ampunilah kami Ya Allah...

tangisan ku pada ketika ini...tangisan apekah..?alangkah indahnya andai ia tangisan ketakwaan....aku selalu menangis mengenangkan diri yang baik....aku ni perasan betul....aku menangis utk pengorbanan yg kulakukan...lemah sungguh hambaMu ini Ya Allah....Kau tunjukkanlah kami jalanMu Ya Allah....

benarkah aku dulu gila..?atau aku sekarang yang gila....aku dulu gila tapi aku takut padaMu....aku dulu gila...walau aku membenci tapi aku cuba taat kepadaMu....aku dulu gila...tapi aku tidak mahu lakukan dosa...aku dulu gila...tapi aku sentiasa mengingatiMu...aku tidak mahu mencemarkan hubungan denganMu...aku tidak mahu org lain mengkagumi ku...salahkah tindakan aku menghancurkan diri utk memulihkan hati...?kerana bila hati ini terbuka utk dunia...bila hati ini terbuka utk kemasyuran...aku lupakanMu...sedangkan Kau yang melembutkan hati mereka untukku...Kau yang menjadikan mereka redha kepadaku....kenapa aku mesti kisah pandangan mereka...tapi susah utk aku deal dgn manusia bila hatiku hanya untukMu..

Ya Allah...Kau tunjukkanlah ku jalan....untuknya juga....walau tiada kasih, aku tetap mahu yang terbaik utknya....kejamlah aku andai aku merosakkan dirinya di kala dia datang kepadaMu...Ya Allah peliharalah kami dari diri kami...dan sesama kami....walau ku ingin melayari bahtera dengannya....semua itu hanya dgn izinMu Ya Allah...aku tak mampu meninggalkan kerana aku takut akan masa hadapan...tidak kuat kah iman ku terhadapMu.....aku tatau ape yg terbaik Ya Allah...Kau tunjukkanlah...dan peliharalah kami dari azab api nerakamu...

matikanlah kami dalam iman Ya Allah....

 


Posted at 01:40 am by wickedchilli
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Saturday, May 05, 2007
love sick..

assalamualaikum wbt..

i guess...masanya dah sampai utk saya tulis kembali...alamakkk....hai hai....dah jatuh cinta balik ke...i dun wish for that....huwaaa...bila ada cinta....dtgla mende2 lain yg mengganggu...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

oke...so now dah masuk balik episode giler....yg saya susah nak kontrol.....rasa nakk ajer.....tapi yela....nak aje tapi bukan hak pun.....nak kata anugerah pun...not yet...ntah....saya ni mcm tak jaga maruah diri pulak....terlalu berperasaan....huhuhu....tak aciiiiii....tapi yelah....mmg la...bukan halal pun kan utk saya expresskan ape2...i mean....should consider other option as well...u should keep urself for ur husband kan...it is not fair for him then....but then...i want this guy to be my husband..Ya Allah bantulah hambaMu ini....

saya dah jatuh cinta...tapi sebenarnya boleh jer saya buat tatau kan...oke....from now on...saya kene bertegas kembali....mmg nak dia jadi husband....tapi still kene jaga all the batasan syariat.....tak bagus kan sbb kami bukan muhrim kan..

ampuniku...kan Allah swt tak kasik...oke2...so me nak cool jer....saya kan mmg camni...dah gedik...what can i do.....tapi takpela....still kene jaga kan....

oke...i am serius.....now dia dah busy....mcm kisah lama berulang....tapi now i'm not going to be naive and stupid again....people penat kan....me pun salu penat...dun think jauh2...just accept it...senang....later on pun...i want to accept things literaly....tak yah pkir jauh2...wat abes serotonin jer....hidup cara mudah....hidup dgn kedekut serotonin...hehehehe....oke...nak sambung belajar..muah2


Posted at 06:48 pm by wickedchilli
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Wednesday, April 25, 2007
happy mode..

assalamualaikum wbt..
alhamdulillah...setelah sekian lama me pening2 kepala...me sedih2.....Dia bukakan jalan...tapi sedih jugak...sbb me tetap confuse...me happy tapi me tanak Dia marah...ampuniku...
at the moment we are in the mode of getting to know each other...i dun know...i want to marry him as soon possible....i want to halal kan this hubungan....but then...my situation tak senang....my parents....keje dia....hrmm...i dun mind tinggal jauh pun as long as i dun have to feel guilty all the time...dpt pahala ke..???
mama ckp...unless dia dtg kije sini...mama ckp abeskan study dulu....saya ni terlalu rush ke..???saya tak kisah...tapi agama saya...???saya tak kisah....tapi sampai bila...i dun know how long can i stand with this weird relationship....we are in the phase of getting to know each other...which is allowed in Islam....tapi me kene carefull...not to fall in the trap....of syaitan...me ni pun jahat jer now...ntahla..ampuniku...now tak solat asar ag ni...
huhuhu
and my study...aaaaaaaa
oke2..me nak stop..nak study...

Posted at 06:58 pm by wickedchilli
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Sunday, April 15, 2007
surat chenta

assalamualaikum wbt..

i'm gambling our relationship now...hate me if u can...

rasa kelakar pun ade now even topic yg nak dibincangkan ni agak serius..anyway...how are u?i really hope that semuanya berjalan dengan lancar...i am not sure why u hilang tiba2...but ur absent really makes my mind wonder a lot of stuff...well...i guess maybe ini utk kebaikan...as u told me before...kita hanya boleh merancang...but the decision is His...

actually i want to tell u that u are my final recovery....a lot of stuff that i did and avoid to recover and u are my final stuff....i am like a p i p...in fact i like to live in this prison...everything is easier...even to find a lifetime partner insyaAllah...but me.....as a rebellious princess....i wonder around and find u....seriously at first i felt like i'm not doing a right thing...but i am very happy to find u and i need to be happy to get connected with the world again....i guess u know how the interaction between girl and guys in Islam....from the day i try to leave jahiliyyah....i started to consider arranged marriage....i leave everything behind and even my previous lover(he leave me as well)....knowing u put me into a situation which i has to choose...between u and islam....it shouldnt happen on the first place but because i am a little bit crazy as well....so i still cant rationalize things better...however...i still dont want to let u go...i hate to say this because it sound like ur previous lover...but i dunt view u as friend for benefit...in fact if possible i want to sent a rombongan peminangan...even i dun really know u....

i asked Allah swt to protect this relationship...because i am serious with it...i dun want to be a man's destroyer....and i want it to be bless...i want all my family to success both here and hereafter...i am telling u all this for u to consider my option....first...sail the real path and have family with me until jannah insyaAllah....second....sail the real path as saudara seIslam but of course ade distance until jannah...

i am giving u time until 26 nov 2007....i dun want to regret later for never ask u....because i cant afford to have any relationship before marriage...unless for marriage purposes.....u are right...we should get to know each other first...but it is not easy for me to stop pretending sometimes and only want to look perfect for u...and to resist the temptation to seduce u...i am sorry...sometimes i doesnt sound like true muslimah...there is a lot of thing i have to learn...we should get to know each other first...but i dun think it will ever stop....voice ur opinion..i cant hold u if u want to freeze 'us'......

i'll respect ur decision insyaAllah....and i can understand that u have the freedom to choose...because i as well cant force myself to like anyone...and the fact that u dun really know me...and suddenly get this letter...i dun live in my comfort zone..i dun even have one anymore...


Posted at 10:15 pm by wickedchilli
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Wednesday, April 04, 2007
happy..

assalamualaikum wbt..

i dun really want to lie in this blog...so ill just shoot whatever i want to say....hrmm..get to know him...nice friend to be with....dun know....kelakar pun ade....me nak lebih but at the same time me nak relaks2 jer....tapi me taknak lepas...jahat tak....me takleh lebih2 sebab ape2 yg nak berlaku pun..maybe next 3 years....and of course...me takutkan Dia...me tanak Dia marah...but then..me rasa me makin oke...with Him....me seriusly want Him...but me mcm tipu diri sendiri...me tak rajin nak bangun malam...me tak rajin nak bangun mengadap Dia pun...and yet He is our Creator...he knows us inside and out...i want to know more about Him...me nak puasa la esok....me nak start all over again....mcm mana dgn my new crush...hrmm...i dun like to just play...but me takut bad things happen later....me rasa me ok dgn dia...but me tak sure sejauh mana...me selesa dgn dia....sebenarnya takde masalah pun....sbb me ni dah makin boleh terima ape2 saja insyaAllah....setelah gile...setelah melepaskan....tak mungkin hati ni boleh dilukai lagi...me nak kenal dia...me nak kenal family dia...me nak kenal circle of friends dia....me dun mind pun...but me...myself...me is like a rebellious princess in a prison...me are not as free as me want to be...now...me tanak terlalu.. menyekat diri...me nak go on jer...and face it.....but me have to settle things in my hand first....my study is my priority....so me have to focus....dia ni cool....outgoing....good heart insyaAllah...and takdela mcm rigid sgt....well well well....tgk la cane nanti...dia ckp me ni something new...hahaha...perfect timing...well....me tatau la nak ckp dia ni something new ke tak...because he is someone that knock my inside...at the time when me still in roller coaster ride with my 'friend'...and still searching for motivation...me jumpa dia...and me rasa dia ni lain....someone with something...it is common kot utk people yg belajar medic...or people yg belajar agama...but he looks cool jer...tapi ada high self stand...and selamba jer guli2 kan saya.....anyway....oke..malas nak comment banyak2 sbb me tak sure pun sgt...it just i am tiba2 rasa concsious dgn dia...setelah bertahun2 buat bodoh jer dgn lelaki....tapi dgn dia rasa something...and masa yer tegur tuh...subhanallah...abes sistem badan ni...activated...excited la jugak..sampai takleh nak tdo...mcm suka sgtla..so happy sepanjang hari..but im still scared...Ya Allah...please dun leave me...I am sorry...shows me the right path...which path should i go...to come back to You..?


Posted at 09:54 pm by wickedchilli
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Saturday, March 31, 2007
will they be strong and carry on after i die?

assalamualaikum wbt..

i aint helpless, aint hopeless..

trying very hard in my own sweet time to come back..

there is heart i have to take care off..

i cant hurt it again..

no matter how i want it..

i have to be patient and calm..

because this heart is not ready yet..

to face the challenge again..

i dun want to hurt it again.

at the time when it is still hurting...

the wound is still healing..

even though the bleeding had stop..

i cant make it bleed again..

i dun want to face the same thing all over again

as i dun want the illness left as an illness only

there is hikmah behind that..

that i want to  turn bad into good..

by His will..

so my friend...my sahabat..

i never stop...so please dun cry.

please dun cry for me..

because all u see only within ur eyes and ears..

if u open ur heart...u know that i am still struggling.

on my own sweet time..

i aint jealous of u guys anymore as i do before..

because i start to feel the love again..

i want to feel the love again..

the love of Our God..

i knew the existance but it is beyond my empty heart..

so my friend..please dun cry.

i love my self...i love my future..

i will not want to end up in hell..u gotta remember that..

that is why i'm doing things i'm doing now..

i cant go on pretending i'm okay..

i can't go on as a strong daie

when inside i'm dying...

because u are not my judge..

because He is my Judge..

as His judgement including my heart..

so i gotta make my heart strong again..

i dun want people get confused when i sent to hell,

because i want to go to heaven with pure heart.

now my heart is still healing..

so i gotta give it a chance..

so friend...stop crying for me..

u lose no one...when Allah swt is with u..

Allah swt knows us better so please dont cry..

cos i still love myself...so please dont cry..


Posted at 12:41 pm by wickedchilli
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Friday, March 30, 2007
am i ready to be hurt again??

assalamualaikum wbt..

well..love is in the air..i wont tell much...just continuing my fall in love episode that started on...lalala..when was it?? 13 of feb 2007...hahaha....then 14,15, and 16 pun pergi lagi..lalalala...today is 30 of march..agak2nya dia sebaya kot...cos of his status..well well well....seriously fall in love...cane tau...sbb rasa conscious...ngan org len tak rasa camtuh pun....ngan org lain tak rasa mcm kisah pun nak kontrol..ngan dia ni tiba2 cam gugup2 gak ar...setelah tiga tahun mcm tak kisah pun ape2...rasa mcm hidup balik pun ade.....me ni giler kot..tak kenal pun dia siapa..jumpa gitu2 utk urusan penting jer...communication between us pun breakdown...yer mcm tak fhm jer ape yg me maksudkan...and me pun tak faham ape yg dia maksudkan...but one thing wat jatuh ati..yer salu ready to back me up...well...jatuh ati ag...me jrg back up org..teruk tul me ni kan...

another thing....live is not only about love...can have love if it is motivate us to the right path...i need motivational factor..i am just a normal human being..i believe Allah swt knows me...and what im trying to do..and i am happy..i just feel loved again....if this is the best for me....

but i will not put much hope...he is nice..but maybe not for me..i dun even know him...maybe one day..kelakar lak rasa...mcm mengulangi kisah lampau...but with different person...seronok bila tahu rakan sebaya...tapi ntahla..silap2 aribulan dah kawin jugak..or maybe dah ade kekasih ati..aiseh man...

tapi takpela..me nak do the best jugak...pusing2 but trying to win His love again...in my own sweet way....i still need time..and i hope my friend are getting better as well..


Posted at 01:34 am by wickedchilli
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